I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
