My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
