Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
