dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
