hotel room ftw
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
