I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
