I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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