I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
