god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
