my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
