you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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