To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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