youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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