You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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