i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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