Three words: puerto rican gang bang
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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