Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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