my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Randomize
