Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
