new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
