i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
