Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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