I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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