I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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