Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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