Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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