on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
