I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
