Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
