: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
