does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
