yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize