Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
