Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
