he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Dicks are not precious.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
