her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I came so hard my ears popped.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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