well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
