I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
