I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Let's get the cat blown out
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
