I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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