Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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