i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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