she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
