dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
