I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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