I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
