i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
