There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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