i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
