Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
A+ Viking dick
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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