At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
