Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
did i just pee glitter
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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