We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
