who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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