someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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