he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
