my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
