Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
